TRANSLATION:

On the morning of that cold winter day,
my sigh became a letter
that knocked on the window of your room.

The town was distant, the noisy bustle was close.
You gave no reaction, as suits you,
to the words that were like ordinary sounds.

Even today, I receive the rapture of the wind.
Quietly, my heart is broken.

The scar is shallow, the memory is deep,
I am as new. I finished the sign that
I will probably show you someday.

Even tomorrow, I will receive the rapture of the wind.
I woke up and still seemed to be exhausted.

The unhealing scar, the uncooling love,
the unfading light; I knew their memory.
I will probably be here forever.

-----------------------------------

A few lines i wasn't quite sure on (again) and (again) i'd like it if anybody could make any suggestions.

thanks.

hey terra, did i do okay on this one? nobody's responded. sorry to double-post, but i got the domestic release of penalty life, and GOD THE TRANSLATIONS SUCK. i only looked at mole town prisoner and kizuato no sasayaki, but theirs BLEW. terrible.

anybody agree?

no.

ahh... i forgot about this one.

[quote="Marekenshin"]On the morning of that cold winter day,
my sigh became a letter
that knocked on the window of your room.
[/quote]

because of the 'sore wa' (それは寒い冬の日の朝), i would be inclined to translate the first line as 'it was a cold winter's morning' / 'it was morning on a cold winter's day'. and yes, 'sore' means 'that' (as in thing that is distant from speaker), but the rules for what we call 'that' are not the same as in japanese. 'it' works fine here. oh, and 'window of your room' is rather verbose in english- just 'your window' will work fine.

[quote]The town was distant, the noisy bustle was close.
You gave no reaction, as suits you,
to the words that were like ordinary sounds.
[/quote]

i don't know if i'd translate 'kimi rashiku' as 'as suits you'... it's like 'you-ly', 'typical of you'. i would say something like, 'as usual'- something to more strongly show that the action is expected. 'as suits you' sort of says he thought it was appropriate/good for her to act that way.

[quote]Even today, I receive the rapture of the wind.
Quietly, my heart is broken.
[/quote]

'receive' is awkward here. 'ukeru' is one of those vague verbs that you don't always have to translate literally. it's more like a 'wind of many emotions' or 'rapturous wind'. try something like 'today i was swept away again by a wind of emotions'.

avoid the passive! => 'my heart quietly breaks'. considering this line, i would be less inclined to use 'rapturous' in the previous line- it's got a very positive connotation, in contrast with his heart breaking...

[quote]The scar is shallow, the memory is deep,
I am as new. I finished the sign that
I will probably show you someday.
[/quote]

'atarashiku' is 'newly'... 'newly finished stamp/seal'... 'i'm newly marked' / 'i have been marked anew'.

[quote]Even tomorrow, I will receive the rapture of the wind.
I woke up and still seemed to be exhausted.
[/quote]

same thing on the wind bit. 'i wake up, exhausted'/'i wake up, worn out'.

[quote]The unhealing scar, the uncooling love,
the unfading light; I knew their memory.
I will probably be here forever.
[/quote]

omoishiru is one word- to realize, to know.

it seemed like the official translations were done by someone who was just getting the job done. *shrug* they weren't really trying to make them poetic or particularly smooth.

a shining example: 'i open the window with the hand that i untangled from you with regrets'. [i]OW.[/i]

so is this better?

--------------------------

On the morning of that cold winter day,
my sigh became a letter
that knocked on your bedroom window. *

The town was distant, the noisy bustle was close.
Typically, you gave no reaction
to the words that were like ordinary sounds.

Even today, I feel a wind of countless emotions.
Quietly, my heart is broken. *

The scar is shallow, the memory is deep,
I have been marked anew.
Someday, i will probably show it to you.

Even tomorrow, I will feel a wind of countless emotions.
I will wake up and be exhausted.*

I realized there was an unhealing scar, an uncooling love,
and an unfading light.
I will probably be here forever.

---------------------------------------
* i put bedroom window because i think if he just wanted window he would have left out "heya" altogether.

i left "my heart if broken," (passive!) because i did it according to something i looked up in the grammar book i use (which i don't have with me!) i think the ending is a passive one, but i might just have them confused...

"i will wake up" because he's talking about tomorrow

that sounds like the pillows

[quote="Marekenshin"]* i put bedroom window because i think if he just wanted window he would have left out "heya" altogether.

i left "my heart if broken," (passive!) because i did it according to something i looked up in the grammar book i use (which i don't have with me!) i think the ending is a passive one, but i might just have them confused...

"i will wake up" because he's talking about tomorrow[/quote]

bedroom window works much better... it's just implied that the window has to be attached to a room. but even if literally correct, 'the window of your room' was awkward.

actually it's not passive anyway. (passive is an -areru ending) it does look like a contracted version of yabukete-iku, which means something like 'is going to break'.

[quote]Typically, you gave no reaction [/quote]

i suggest, 'as typical of you, you gave no reaction'.

^ that fits better with the flow of the song anyway:

--------------------------

On the morning of that cold winter day,
my sigh became a letter
that knocked on your bedroom window. *

The town was distant, the noisy bustle was close.
As typical of you, you gave no reaction
to the words that were like ordinary sounds.

Even today, I feel a wind of countless emotions.
Quietly, my heart is going to break.

The scar is shallow, the memory is deep,
I have been marked anew.
Someday, i will probably show it to you.

Even tomorrow, I will feel a wind of countless emotions.
I will wake up and be exhausted.

I realized there was an unhealing scar, an uncooling love,
and an unfading light.
I will probably be here forever.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks so much terra!

On the morning of that cold winter day,
my sigh became a letter
that knocked on your bedroom window.

The town was distant, the noisy bustle was close.
As typical of you, you gave no reaction
to the words that were like ordinary sounds.

Even today, I feel a wind of countless emotions.
Quietly, my heart is going to break.

The scar is shallow, the memory is deep,
I have been marked anew.
Someday, i will probably show it to you.

Even tomorrow, I will feel a wind of countless emotions.
I will wake up exhausted.

I realized there was an unhealing scar, an uncooling love,
and an unfading light.
I will probably be here forever.

---------------------------------------------

i don't know if we ever decided on this being done, but i updated this slightly. how do you feel about it?

Sorry to sound like a asshole, but what song is this? I only own the Domestic version of PL.

the scar whispers

[quote="Marekenshin"]the scar whispers[/quote]

Thanks.

Overall, looks good. I'd change "As typical of you" to "Just like you." Sounds more natural.