ahh... i forgot about this one.
[quote="Marekenshin"]On the morning of that cold winter day,
my sigh became a letter
that knocked on the window of your room.
[/quote]
because of the 'sore wa' (それは寒い冬の日の朝), i would be inclined to translate the first line as 'it was a cold winter's morning' / 'it was morning on a cold winter's day'. and yes, 'sore' means 'that' (as in thing that is distant from speaker), but the rules for what we call 'that' are not the same as in japanese. 'it' works fine here. oh, and 'window of your room' is rather verbose in english- just 'your window' will work fine.
[quote]The town was distant, the noisy bustle was close.
You gave no reaction, as suits you,
to the words that were like ordinary sounds.
[/quote]
i don't know if i'd translate 'kimi rashiku' as 'as suits you'... it's like 'you-ly', 'typical of you'. i would say something like, 'as usual'- something to more strongly show that the action is expected. 'as suits you' sort of says he thought it was appropriate/good for her to act that way.
[quote]Even today, I receive the rapture of the wind.
Quietly, my heart is broken.
[/quote]
'receive' is awkward here. 'ukeru' is one of those vague verbs that you don't always have to translate literally. it's more like a 'wind of many emotions' or 'rapturous wind'. try something like 'today i was swept away again by a wind of emotions'.
avoid the passive! => 'my heart quietly breaks'. considering this line, i would be less inclined to use 'rapturous' in the previous line- it's got a very positive connotation, in contrast with his heart breaking...
[quote]The scar is shallow, the memory is deep,
I am as new. I finished the sign that
I will probably show you someday.
[/quote]
'atarashiku' is 'newly'... 'newly finished stamp/seal'... 'i'm newly marked' / 'i have been marked anew'.
[quote]Even tomorrow, I will receive the rapture of the wind.
I woke up and still seemed to be exhausted.
[/quote]
same thing on the wind bit. 'i wake up, exhausted'/'i wake up, worn out'.
[quote]The unhealing scar, the uncooling love,
the unfading light; I knew their memory.
I will probably be here forever.
[/quote]
omoishiru is one word- to realize, to know.
it seemed like the official translations were done by someone who was just getting the job done. *shrug* they weren't really trying to make them poetic or particularly smooth.
a shining example: 'i open the window with the hand that i untangled from you with regrets'. [i]OW.[/i]
