sorry for the slow response. >__<
if i don't make sense somewhere, just yell. here goes!
[b]stanza 2: [/b]
stanza 5 uses the same form, 'blah blah blah toy doll' and as you discovered the 'toy doll' didn't really fit into the sentences there. also, the fact that it's written in english and not in katakana in the lyrics (and the way he sings it, if i recall correctly) calls it out, giving me the feeling that it doesn't flow into the lyrics. so something like 'it's thin, and somewhat soft, toy doll'. maybe put 'toy doll' in parentheses or italics.
"yes, I understand, when you toy with me, i should quickly become fed up with it" => you've switched actors for the verbs from 'you' to 'i'. unless it's called out, usually the actor is 'i', and stays 'i'. [i]Nano ni hoshikute tamaranai[/i] => tamaranai = 'unbearable'. i think the gist of the whole thing is how, child-like, he really really wants something but he knows that once you get it and start playing with it inevitably you get tired of it.
[b]stanza 3: [/b]
"become one with the music box" => this part bugs me because 'awaseru' has so many meanings. i just feel like there might be a clearer interpretation. maybe it's like he feels that the sad turning of the music box is the same as the way he feels, so they are connected/in tune with each other.
"if it's not love, i don't mind" => there's a 'nara' at the end of that. nara= 'if', or 'in the case that'. something like that. "even if it's not love, if i didn't care". admittedly still awkward in english.
english suggestion: "it's not going to benefit you" => it's no good for you
[b]stanza 5: [/b]
"tonight, as it is, i want to take you out" => i might make it 'take you out somewhere' to make it sound more natural in english- subjects are all too often omitted in japanese. also the 'konomama' probably refers to the circumstances in the previous line- that he wants to tell his secret- so it doesn't have to be translated literally. that is, you could simply tie it all together: 'i just wanna take you out somewhere tonight / and furtively confess my secrets'. there's a difficult balance between being literal and trying to make it sound good in english. -_-
"i see in a dream that I will make things as you want it to be by any means" => let's break it down:
yume wo miru = i dream/ed
nan demo = by all means, everything
omoidoori = to (my) satisfaction
no sa = (crappy explanation alert) i think 'no' at the end of a phrase is something like 'it is that...' and the 'sa' is one of those emphatic particles. in any case this won't change the meaning too much.
without trying to make it sound nice: 'i dream/ed that everything's to my satisfaction' / 'i was dreaming that everything was as i liked'
[b]stanza 6:[/b]
spangly => spangled.
even if it's not love, I'm not scared => the 'nara' here, again.
good work.
