Farewell, Universe

I don't even know your name,
but I remember who you are.
Farewell, universe,
I'm leaving here at last.

Now, I can no longer hear anybody's voice.
From my spaceship's window, I see a star.

Without saying a word,
I'm giving up on you.
Farewell, universe;
I shed but a few tears.

Even if I disappeared, I wouldn't notice.
By this spaceship, I'll become this sort of light.

Now, I can no longer hear anybody's voice.
From my spaceship's window, I see a star.
Even if I disappeared, I wouldn't notice.
By this spaceship, I'll become this sort of light.

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i figured "hoshi" was star in this sense because he's talking about "kono mama hikari ni naru," becoming this kind of light. comments? errors?

thanks

On the "hoshi wo miru" i'd put "I see stars"

I think "namae mo shiranai" is kinda ambiguous, it would be on context "I don't know my name" like I even forgot my name but I still remember you.

but it is all correct I think.

i think "I don't even know your name" is fine.

Boku wa mou koko wo deru yo / "I'm leaving here at last. " -> 'mou' means 'already'. 'yatto' would be 'at last'. 'i've already left this place/moved on'.

"From my spaceship's window, I see a star." -> i would also say 'stars'. the plural is often not explicit, and, well, if you were in space, you'd see more than one. there is no other indication that he would only see one.

"Even if I disappeared, I wouldn't notice." -> just to make sure we're on the same page, 'inaku natta' is a nice way of saying 'dead'. and there is no 'even if' in this phrase. it's just 'i didn't notice that i'd gone to heaven' (or whatever euphemism you'd like to use).

Uchuusen de kono mama hikari ni naru -> 'de' in this case indicates the location of where he's 'becoming light'. it's used instead of 'ni' when you're doing something at a location, i.e. 'toshokan de benkyou shiteta' = i studied at the library. 'kono mama' means 'in this state'. 'konna hikari' would be 'this sort of light'. in other words, in his state (being dead), in the spaceship he will turn into light.

[quote]there is no 'even if' in this phrase.[/quote]
inaku natta [b]koto mo[/b] kitzukanai
so then where does the koto mo come in?

i know that inaku natta is a nice way of dying, but i kind of interpreted the song to be that he's left in his spaceship and is going to become a light like the star(s) he sees. so he wouldn't even notice if he were to just "become not" or disappear (/die). i thought he meant singular rather than plurar for hoshi (i had stars at first, but changed it) because to me it seemed like he was looking at a particular star.

does this seem better?:

I don't even know your name,
but I remember who you are.
Farewell, universe,
I'm already taking leave of here.

Now, I can no longer hear anybody's voice.
From my spaceship's window, I see a star.

Without saying a word,
I'm giving up on you.
Farewell, universe;
I shed but a few tears.

Even if I disappeared, I wouldn't notice.
By this spaceship, in this way I will become light.

Now, I can no longer hear anybody's voice.
From my spaceship's window, I see a star.
Even if I disappeared, I wouldn't notice.
By this spaceship, in this way I will become light.

[quote="Marekenshin"][quote]there is no 'even if' in this phrase.[/quote]
inaku natta [b]koto mo[/b] kitzukanai
so then where does the koto mo come in?[/quote]

oops... there is no 'if', but there is an 'even'. that's the 'mo'. 'koto' here is a nominalizer indicating detachment about the first phrase... literally 'i didn't even notice the fact that i'd disappeared'.

[quote="Marekenshin"]By this spaceship, in this way I will become light.[/quote]

'here in this spaceship, i'll become light'.

or something. again, 'de' indicates where the verb is acted out.

Hm. Drawing on both Marekenshin's stuff up there and a revised copy of my own, I came up with this. I personally think the phrasing is a bit more natural in a few places, but see what you think.
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I don't know your name
But I remember you
So long, universe
I've already left this place

Right now, I don't hear anyone's voice
From my spaceship's window, I see a star

Not exchanging words
I abandon you
So long, universe
I hardly wept at all

I didn't realize that I had ceased to be
In my spaceship, I turn into light

I think that perhaps this is a cleaner version than what i had before. I cleaned up a few phrases, but some "awkward phrases" i left because i feel that this song is really quite poetic and as such i tried to phrase it in a way that carried the feeling that i get from the song.
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I don't even know your name,
but I remember who you are.
So long, universe,
I'm already leaving this place.

Now, I can no longer hear anybody's voice.
From my spaceship's window, I see a star.

Without saying a word,
I'm giving up on you.
So long, universe;
I shed but a few tears.

Even if I disappear, I won't notice.
In this spaceship, in this way I will become light.

Now, I can no longer hear anybody's voice.
From my spaceship's window, I see a star.
Even if I disappear, I won't notice.
In this spaceship, in this way I will become light